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Oopiumiunia: Felix Vicious - "So, when do you guys want to shoot the retard porn?"

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Felix Vicious took her name from Felix the Cat and Sid Vicious, she also withstood six hours of anal sex, and isn't sure if she wants to be a marine biologist, massage therapist or a gynaecologist; which to me makes her awesome. Sometimes I like to think, 'Man, I wish I was a cowboy. Or a race car driver.' I like to imagine how different my life would be. How I could lasso my wife when she tries to run away or how fast I could drive to the supermarket if I had the right ride. But in my world I'm a writer and that's all I'll ever be. I think that's my favourite thing about the porn industry; it teaches girls they could be whatever they want when they stop fucking on film and grow up. I mean, if you could get paid for sex - something that is loads of fun - why can't you get paid to be a superhero or an interior decorator? I think after six hours of taking it in the ass the natural afterthought is to look up at the clouds and say, "The sky's the limit." (As long as there are no black people up there.) Is it true you don't have sex with black men? Yeah, I don't do interracial. Never have. Why not? I don't find black people attractive. No offence, I'm just going to stay with somebody that turns me on and they don't do it for me. You don't really do butt-sex on camera either, do you? I've done one scene and that's it. If anybody, I'd do it with my boyfriend and we're working on it now. It's not something where I'm like, "Oh, I love to have anal sex." Not even at home? We do sometimes but I'm really not begging him to put it in my butt. If it happens it'll be a total surprise on him, too. He won't be expecting it when I do tell him to put it in my butt. He'll be like, "What? Did that just come out of your mouth?" Was there some sort of problem or a mess on the one anal scene that you did that made you want to stop doing anal scenes? No messes but it was a six-hour anal scene and I'll never do it again. Six hours? What the hell were you doing for six hours? Basically, I was with another girl and it was one of her first anal scenes; she'd done a couple before but basically she was like, "I can't take it in the ass any more, you have to do the rest." And she'd only done half of one position. Then the director was like, "We didn't get enough footage, we need more footage." So I had to take her place and get fucked in the ass. And I was there, getting fucked for six hours, and I couldn't walk after the movie. That's why I don't want to ever do it on film again. I could see that putting you off on the whole deal. Hey, you have a hole in your cheek. Why? I had my cheek pierced when I was 14. When your boyfriend cums in your mouth does it shoot out the hole? Only sometimes. No, I took it out when I first got in the business and the hole closed up almost instantly, I couldn't push anything back through it. That's a shame because you could have had a great marketing tool with that. No-one in the business is squirting out their cheek. Yeah, you're right that would be good. I could put a little straw through there and have girls drink the cum out of my cheek. Why don't you tell people you got shot in the face and then try and join G-Unit? What? Why don't you tell people you got shot in the face and then try and join G-Unit? They're black, aren't they? That's why. But you could be a white rapper - you don't have to be black to be a rapper. I'm trying to DJ not MC. Maybe you could be the G-Unit's official white DJ. It's a good idea. I'll call myself 25 cent. Or Enema instead of Eminem. Maybe I could do the P-Unit, Porn Unit. I heard you can breakdance. I pop. What does that mean? I pop-lock, it's a type of breakdancing. Why don't you incorporate that into your sex scenes? I did. Just recently for VCA's Art School Sluts. I don't think a lot of companies do a lot of that. I mean, if they would hire me for that, I'd love to do it for them. But you didn't do it while having sex, did you? No. Why don't you do a film called Sexy Retards and do your crazy dancing while having sex? That would be great, pretend to be retarded while getting it on. Would you be willing to do that if I wrote a movie for you? I think we'll put it on our webcam and put it up on our website when we get that started. It'll be just for you. No, I want to write the screenplay. I want Sexy Retards to be a big-budget production. OK. Yeah. All we need to do it grab a bunch of retards and take them to a rave and give them a bunch of ecstasy, wait until they're fucked up and take them home for our film. That's one thing that is tragically missing from the market, retard porn. I once saw some clown porn, which I thought was funny. Retard porn, though! Stay focused! We could be rich. We could be rich. We'll be partners. Where do you live? I'm going to move in with you so we can get this business rolling. I'll be in charge of the scripts and the money. And I just have to act retarded? Yes. I can do that. I'll even be in the background acting retarded while you're having retard sex. You'd have to put a doily on your head. I'll wear rubber pants and piss myself. It sounds too good to be true. You need to become a business owner. I mean, do you have any goals after you stop doing porn? I want to go to college to study music production. Really? Because I found a fantastic quote on the internet that said your goals after porn were to be either a massage therapist or a marine biologist. Oh my God, that's so old. Yeah, I changed that. I don't want to be either of those things any more. That was like a year-and-a-half or two years ago. But do you realise how insane and absurd that statement is? Those are completely unrelated fields. You sound like a four-year-old who either wants to be an astronaut or a teddy bear when she grows up. I know. Maybe I'll be a gynaecologist. I've looked at enough ass, I know which looks good and which is infected. Do you come across a lot of infected parts on the job? No, but I could tell what it looks like right off the bat. What's the worst thing to happen on a set aside from the six hours of ass-ramming? I don't know. That was definitely the worst. There was one time when I got sent home from a set before anything even happened. We didn't do anything. It's the reason I only do films with my boyfriend now. I was doing one of Mark Ashley's movies for New Sensations. It was me, Mark Ashley and a girl named Tyla. I told him. "I can do everything but I can't kiss you though," and he freaked out - "What? Why not? Fuck that!" Blah, blah, blah. Then he said, "I can't shoot you, this is totally pointless. It's not going to seem sensual at all if I don't kiss you." I was like, "Do you know how many movies I've done where I didn't kiss the guy and it's been a terrific scene?" Yeah, kissing is passionate but it's not the only thing that makes sex passionate. I told him he could kiss me on the neck or wherever, just don't kiss me on the face. He actually started calling me names. The girl was like, "Why don't you just kiss him? Your boyfriend is never going to find out." He actually sent me home from the set because I wouldn't kiss him. Did you cry? Well, I was pissed. I went and complained to his boss. It was bullshit. Why didn't you do the old trick where you lean in to kiss him and then you turn your head at the last second? That always works. We didn't even start the scene. I was being upfront with him and he got pissed off before the scene even got started. I went and talked to the director and went back upstairs and they'd already started the scene without me. They still gave me a kill fee and they made him pay it out of his own pocket. What the hell is a kill fee for a porn star? Basically if you don't get the scene done you get a kill fee of $150 or something like that, for your time. But what if they shot an entire scene and didn't use it? You would still get paid your scene rate. They buy the rights to it, so what they do after they're done shooting it is up to them. As long as they shoot 20 minutes of footage you're entitled to full rate. Twenty minutes is about what it takes for blowjob, eating out and then sex. Twenty minutes? Not for me. Not on my best day. That's sad. You did a movie called 18 And Lost In Mexico... I did? That's funny because I've only been to Mexico once and it was with my boyfriend and we didn't shoot a scene while we were there. So you've never actually been lost in Mexico? No. That's really funny. I usually don't hear the titles for most of my movies. That's great. I was lost in Mexico, huh? I had some fantastic follow-up questions regarding Mexico. I'm sorry, I never got lost there. Well, tell me a story while I try and think up some new questions. Well, Sadie Allison wrote a book called Tickle His Pickle, basically about how to pleasure a guy's penis. Playboy TV hired us to do a re-enactment of the book. My boyfriend had to get an erection and then we had to put little dresses on his penis and a little hat. We had a little beret and a little handbag. It was great. He hated it. So when do you guys want to shoot the retard porn? When do we want to shoot it? You gave us your card. We'll call you as soon as we get home. Let's get this show on the road. I saw midgets walking around, we'll grab them too and have them ride little riding horses in the background. Sadly, Felix never called Chris when she got home and production of Sexy Retards has been put on indefinite hold.

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