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I found something I wrote in October, but never published. ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ Do you believe in love at first sight? No... but still some people have an unexplainable magnetism about them, you only notice that when you look at them properly, and you realize it's the first time really, you've always known they hang out with some friends you know or they work in a certain place, or that they've been to the same party for hours already and you didn't say hi, but when you look at them for the first time, you might wonder how you never looked at them before. We glance at each other, but we don't dare to take time to examine who else shares the room we're in. I think about people I've liked and how it happened. One person, oh well, I knew he hung out somewhere in the small Helsinki-circle of people, but I had never been introduced to him, I knew his full name, I knew he never wore socks even in the winter because I bumped into him and his then-girlfriend a year before and he never had socks on, first time I really looked at him was when we we're laying on pillows at a dying party and I asked him why he never wore socks. He answered that he just didn't like to wear them, that's all. In my other hand I had my phone, my then-boyfriend was bombing me with messages because he couldn't stand not knowing where I was or when I would go home and if he could stay at mine, I remember my hands got sweaty. I felt like a criminal just for having sweaty hands from looking at a boy. And after we met again, I remembered my hands and that was a clear tipping point for me, when I first really looked at him. Nothing happened for months, I was stuck in a horrible relationship and forgot everything about socks and and naked ankles and hands that ache to hold new hands, just for a second, that was all I had wished for. Then another tipping point was when I got a food-poisoning from old milk and had to go home from a bar in December, and felt so so sorry for not talking to the boy with amusing dance moves and a hat that flew around the dancefloor and was on everybody's head and a part of the dance, he took it off and brought it up from under his foot and so on. I walked all the way home that day and my stomach got better after every block and the clock got closer to the end of the party and I wished I had turned back earlier, and I never did. But it wasn't clear why I wanted to be there, I just wanted to. Then came New Year. Me and Vesta did a party tour to three or four or five parties, and the last place we went to was the crazy outfits and improvised movement rather than dance and popping bottles that we had hoped for. Before arriving we went to a nearby porn store for fun and I got myself a cat mask that was on my head for the rest of the night until it made kissing hard. Me and Vesta had planned to kiss at midnight, but when the time came I was barely holding her hand when a new boy found her lips and they matched, it all happened in seconds. I called my friend Kalle and we sang Soulja Boy to each other and promised to get married if we're still alone when we're 40 and he said he'll stay alone on purpose until then. That boy was supposed to go to another place to see the fireworks but instead he was on the street in front of the house, just a few meters away from the door watching them when we got back. No socks. Weirdly I thought I wouldn't see him again that night, that maybe he went to another party. We danced and flirted dramatically, I thought it was a joke because he did the same with Vesta, though they knew each other from before and she said it was a joke. Until he kissed me later. We leaned on a painting and were about to drop it in the heat, when the person whose painting it was got extremely annoyed and we got a feeling that people didn't like what they saw because maybe it was a surprise to them, or maybe someone else wanted to kiss him too, who knows, or because his ex was there somewhere, or maybe because we almost fucking dropped that painting. We spent the first day of the year sleeping late in his bed, just drinking coffee, just talking, just walking outside to find that no stores were open and we didn't have food. I don't know why I wrote so far. I don't know how to close the story appropriately. I tried to explain this magnetism that some people have. Now that I think about when I didn't even know him but had seen him once on the street and got to know his name from a facebook photo or something, even then I knew it would be interesting to know him. Sometimes you just know that something is a bit unexplainable, especially when you look back. Now, thinking about all the people, after everything that happened I see clearly, even in the middle of another city, far from most of these people, it's easy to see. There are people in my stories that I may not meet again and then we die. I can tell which ones ended up being more important than others, and who still are, and I can tell there was something in common in the way I looked at them for the first time. My first boyfriend and I remembered every time we had seen each other in a store or on the street, he just knew me as the red haired girl who possibly lives quite close. He had dreamt about walking behind me someday, then suddenly stepping in front of me and just giving me a kiss. It's been years now, but I still remember when I first looked at him, he was coming to my birthday party and I came to open the door and I knew something I couldn't explain, later I learned we both knew. But what? I guess it goes like that sometimes. I wouldn't call it love at first sight. I mean, who the hell knows what love is. Who knows why we like certain people? Why are we instantly attracted to someone? If we knew, where would all the fun go? I'm happy there's still a possibility to look at someone for the first time. That's why I've been looking at everyone, trying to get comfort from strangers, afraid I'll miss the ones I should find - but that doesn't work. You can't just stare through someone's soul and think you find a human diamond in them. Unfortunately it works by intuition, so learn to trust your gut. I guess none of it matters. Life has a funny way to bring good people together.